Am I a Man?
It's the third day of classes. Everything is stressful and crazy. I've consumed way too much caffeine in three days for one being. I thought I was super excited for the First Day of Classes™, but I'm getting bogged down by stress and gender.
I'm taking Yoga this semester. I signed up for it at pretty much the last second before classes started. The class is really interesting and I want to do well in it, but my dysmorphia and back pain make the activity draining.
I'm taking two (2) gender-related classes as well, the most basic gender class on the GWS ticket and an anthropological approach to gender. Both professors are really amazing and incredibly smart. The syllabi look packed with information, and there's a lot of class discussion baked into the schedule.
I feel pretty excited about these classes because they'll help me get a baseline of information about many different topics. But for the first day of each class, I felt incredibly out of place; I felt like I was invalid in my own body and my chair.
I'm so afraid of even confronting my gender identity. I'm pretty sure that I am a trans woman, and I've been expressing this outwardly for more than a year, but sometimes the things I do and say conflict with that identity. I speak with an awful faux-California accent, packed with terms such as "dude", "bro", "man", etc. Whenever I make a change in my life, I refer to myself as a "New Man". I see myself as completely separated from any cis woman (or even other trans women) I meet.
I don't know where to go from here, because I'm kind of using this post as a place to vent some frustration. I don't think anyone reads this blog unless I post links to social media. I'm just super frustrated and I don't know where else to complain about my gender.